How Do You Fight?

Kathleen Turner & Michael Douglas in War of the Roses

Recently Emmett and I got into a fight.  The details are not important; however, let’s just say posting videos to Face Book when you’ve had a few drinks is not a good idea.  But I digress… The skirmish led me to thinking about fights.  How do you fight?  Are you a controlled fighter (being very careful with your words, not raising your voice, letting the other person talk) or are you an out-of-control fighter (screaming, hair pulling, posting pissed off messages on Face Book)? And, most importantly, how do you resolve your fights?

First let me say that I believe fighting (not physical of course) can be healthy in a relationship.  It is an opportunity to really clear the air.  Fighting, done right, can actually strengthen a relationship because people believe so strongly what they are saying that a lot of important issues can be handled. As anyone who has been in a relationship knows, stewing about something or using the silent treatment really isn’t helpful in resolving issues.  Stewing causes resentments and when resentments build up, there can be a volcanic eruption of emotion.  That, most definitely, is not good for a relationship.  Those huge emotional eruptions can sometimes spin out of control and uncontrolled fighting is the worst kind…think of that movie War of the Roses!

I think most people can agree that fighting is just not pleasant, whatever kind of fighting you might engage in; however, it is sometimes it seems unavoidable.  So, if you must clear the air, and an adult-level conversation seems out of the question (because let’s face it, sometimes “talking” about it doesn’t seem to get the message across), what kind of battle do you engage in?

I’m pretty sure that how you fight is often rooted in your culture and how you were raised. Think about it. Some cultures are known for their fiery temperaments and an impassioned throw down might be acceptable in their households; whereas, an argument in a Yankee home might consist of the silent treatment, or cutting someone out of your will.  In some cultures a dispute might be resolved by coming to fisticuffs while in other’s a good game of chess might settle the matter. 

Personally, my style of fighting depends on whether I’ve had time to contemplate the situation or not.   If I am taken by surprise, I attack back in a very flustered way with a bunch of unorganized thoughts.  I get red in the face and can feel my ears burning.  If, however, I’ve had time to consider the situation and plan it out a bit, my style of fighting is decidedly different; I am calm and rational. I do not yell, though I do raise my voice to emphasize my displeasure. 

I usually have several points to make and I almost never cry.   It’s almost eerie how I am able to separate my feelings from the argument and remove the emotion when I’m fighting.  I’m sure that if I were to cry during an argument with Emmett, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself.  I think he might just concede the fight to stop me from crying. Hmmm… maybe I should try that tact.

Emmett’s style of fighting has changed a little of the course of knowing him.  When we first met, he would just plain shout if he was trying to drive home a point.  It is how he had operated in past relationships and it had just become a normal way of working through issues.  Since I am not a shouter, I think that over time, he began to engage more in a discussion should we disagree.  There are times when he reverts but generally speaking, he has come over to my way of resolving disagreements.  We have both come to agree that yelling at someone is the equivalent of attempting to dominate them with your point of view.  It is clear that you are not engaged in listening if you are too busy yelling.

An international paper-scissors-rock competition

My sister Ellie (who lives in Japan) has been with her husband Toshi for over ten years.  She claims that they hardly ever fight.  They are both so laid back that it is easy to believe.  She does admit that they have disagreements from time to time. When they can’t agree on something, they use the old paper-scissors-rock (also known as Jan-ken-pon in Japan) to resolve the issue. Most times it works.  I asked Ellie where she got that cool idea from and she told me that some businessmen in Japan use Jan-ken-pon to resolve disputes.  Now that is interesting.

Large Trees Under the Jas de Bouffan
by Cézanne

Years ago, a very successful Japanese businessman named Takashi Hashiyama wanted to auction off an extensive collection of artwork featuring artists such as Cézanne, Picasso and van Gough.  Mr. Hashiyama asked both Christie’s and Sotheby’s to submit a proposal to him of how they would manage the auction.  Both auction houses submitted in-depth proposals but in Mr. Hashiyama’s opinion, they were both equally good.  He asked them both to participate in a match of paper-scissors-rock to resolve the situation explaining "it probably looks strange to others, but I believe this is the best way to decide between two things which areequally good".

Christie’s consulted the eleven year old twin daughters of their international director of impressionists Nicholas Maclean who instructed Christie’s to pick scissors because everyone expects you to pick rock.  Sotheby’s said it was a game of chance and didn’t go with a strategy.  They selected paper. Christie’s won the match and earned millions of dollars in commission.

Emmett and I don’t fight very often, but when we do, it is often over the most trivial nonsense such as “how to hold a fork when using a knife to cut your meat,” or “is ain’t a real word?”  We do not use the paper-scissors-rock method but we often use the internet to resolve our disagreements.  Google has been a real marriage saver.  We are usually both so adamant that we are correct, that we need a non-partisan, objective, way to get the right answer.  Nine times out of ten, we are both correct to some degree.  In the case of the proper way to use a fork and knife, there is both a European way and an American way, both perfectly acceptable.  In the case of the word ain’t, it’s a newer word added to the dictionary because it was so commonly used.  It was improper but is now a “real” word.  Although I still think ain’t sounds ignorant, at best, it is not improper to use it apparently.

In a perfect world there would be no fighting. Everyone would agree.  There would be no wars and we would live in Utopia.  However, this is the real world and disagreements are bound to happen every once in a while.  Since fighting does seem to be a way of life, isn’t it a good idea to examine how it is you fight? Are you effective in your style of fighting?  Is fighting an exercise in futility or do you gain something positive from an entirely unpleasant discourse? 

 No one is saying that paper-scissors-rock resolves all issues, but maybe there are other ways such as rolling dice, Googling, coin flipping, drawing straws or, maybe even good-old fashioned talking it out. The argument Emmett and I had this weekend was resolved by talking it out (and a little yelling on my part to be honest) but maybe next time we’ll do ten paces at dawn (just kidding!) or tic-tac-toe or some other way to figure out how to live in peace with each other.  In the end though, I guess it isn’t how we resolve the issues so much as the fact that when we do (because we always do), the making up is always the best part.

Emmett and me in South Beach, 2006