Does Your Job Define Who You Are?

Jobs, and what role they play in defining who we are, are on my mind.  I started thinking about the significance of jobs the other day when my step-daughter Kiera landed her first job.  She is about to start working part-time as a hostess in the same restaurant that Emmett and I work at.  Today will be the first day of her work life.  She will, hopefully, be continuously employed until she is 65 years old (70 if our government has its way)… so she has another 49 years of work (give or take) ahead of her, starting today.   I can’t help but hope that those are good, fulfilled years and not just time spent “making rent.”

Kiera at her Sweet 16

Statistics state that the average American has seven jobs (not counting summer jobs and such) in a lifetime. Apparently, I’m above average.  If I count the jobs I’ve had (not counting babysitting, passing out flyers and house cleaning) since the age of 14, I’ve held 23 jobs.  Of those, ten were full time and the remaining were part time jobs that I held while I was a student or as a second job.  That’s an impressive amount of jobs that I’ve held.  The scary part is that I’m not done working yet.  Supposedly, I have another 20 years of work remaining.  I’m a little over halfway through my work life (unless I hit the lottery).  I’m exhausted thinking about it!

Now, I am officially unemployed (save for my part time job) and it’s a strange feeling.  Since 1987 when I started working full time, a job has almost always been part of my identity.  Think about it.  When you’re introduced to someone outside of a work setting, one of the first questions someone might ask is: “what is it you do?”  In the past I’ve had an answer for them:  I’m a secretary, I’m an assistant, I’m a grant manager, I’m an event manager, etc.  It’s a safe question and it gives people a sense of where on the social scale you belong.  Are you worth pursuing a conversation with?  Can you do something for them?  Are you educated or not?  I know it sounds ruthless, but in truth, it is the way many of us assess others.

So, what if you don’t have a job?  Are you still valuable?  Are you still interesting?  Are you still a contributing member of society?  I maintain that the answers are:  yes, yes, and yes.  I submit my mother as the best example I have. 

Many years ago, through a series of events, my mother found herself single with four young girls (ages ranging 1 month to 7 years old).  Because she did not have family nearby and no real support system, she was forced to collect welfare.  My mother made it her business to ensure we were raised well.  She was dedicated to making sure that we ate an all-natural diet, walking long distances and hitchhiking (she didn’t have a car) to ensure that she purchased the most healthy food available for her four girls.  She made sure that those of us in school went daily and did our assignments.  She monitored our TV habits, what music we listened to, what we wore (she made our clothes herself) and how we talked.  She read us bedtime stories nightly and discussed the plot lines with us.  She was unbelievably involved and dedicated.

Mom and the four girls

She has told us many times that she knew it was her job to raise her four girls so that we would contribute to society.  She knew that if she took a job, that we would not have the benefit of her 24/7 care and could not be sure that we would be raised in such a way that she knew would make us well-balanced adults.

While my mom was collecting welfare, she was also busy figuring out how to improve her life… not wallowing in her poverty.  She hated collecting welfare, coming from a bunch of blue collar union workers.  She decided to look at welfare as a government grant to help her get through these hard times and feed and clothe her children.  She attended Al-anon meetings, along with other women who had alcoholic partners, and discovered that in order to really move on, she needed to get a divorce.  My mom couldn’t afford a lawyer (or a car) so she hitchhiked to the Plymouth Library and to the courthouse to research how to get a divorce without a lawyer.  She filed for a divorce (and got one) without the aid/cost of a lawyer and then assisted other women she knew to do the same.  In fact, my mother helped so many women, that a Boston news station did a segment on my mother and what she was doing to help other poor women.   Although she didn’t have a job (per se) she was contributing to society.

When my youngest sister was six months old, my mother met my step-father (who is eight years younger than her) and she was so interesting, that he just couldn’t help himself. He fell in love with this unemployed but very interesting, valuable, and contributing woman.  He found her fascinating.
I wonder, if he had formulated his first impression of her based on her occupation (or lack thereof), would they have had a relationship?  Luckily, he was not one to be influenced by occupations.  What mattered to him, were the same things that mattered to her: family, love, and a shared vision for the future.

My mom and dad, through over thirty years of marriage and many years of hard work (years of owning a health food store, going to school at nights for acupuncture and herbs, etc.), have created a very successful Chinese herb distribution business.  My mother’s life style is light years away from what it was when we were small children.  She has everything that she used to tell us that she would have some day, and then some.  She and my dad have worked very hard for all of it (making sacrifices that no one can imagine) and yet, if you were to ask my mom to describe herself, I’m pretty sure her work and business would come after:  wife, mother and artist.

I believe that your job defines you if you let it.  You are the architect of your own image.  If you want to be known as a doctor, lawyer or Indian chief (or whatever it is you are) then that is your choice.  If you want to be known as a wife, a mother, or an artist or a combination of things, then that is your choice too.  The question is: Does Your Job Define Who You Are?

It is my hope that Kiera will have a happy work life.  I hope that she develops a great work ethic and that she finds a profession that is fulfilling.  I also hope, for her, that it is not her work that will ultimately define who she is.  I hope that she has a clear vision of who she is outside of the work setting and that she fully develops interests in other areas of her life.  I hope that she enjoys her work but that it does not consume her.   If it consumes her, then those next 49 years might not be as wonderful and fulfilling as they could be otherwise.