Create or Stagnate

It’s been a while since I last posted.  In fact, it has been almost exactly five months.  Now due to popular demand, and a shift in my own thinking, I have decided to try my hand at blogging again. 

Why, you may ask, did I stop blogging?  Was it because nothing interesting was happening down here in the Gump?  Absolutely not!  The opposite is true.  In the five months since I last posted, Emmett has gone through general management training at Baumhower’s Restaurant and since taken over his own store (the Downtown Montgomery location). The girls are now in a good, local technical high school and doing fantastically.  In July, Kiera, Kylie and my nephew Fletcher and I drove from Alabama to Massachusetts (and back!) to visit family and friends.  We have picked up two new family members:  Bella Lovato-Moore our sweet Rat Terrier who we adopted from our dear friend Myra who passed away suddenly this summer and Ms. Mocha Moore, our half-faced kitten (14 weeks as of this writing) who was found wandering the mean streets of Montgomery.  As you can see, I did not stop blogging because there was nothing of interest to report on.

Did I stop because I was too busy?  No.  Although I do have plenty to do, there are hours every day where I don’t have any plans and end up catching up on reading, cleaning, organizing, job hunting, working out… well you get the picture.  I have never been less busy.  I am enjoying my non-stressed out life.  I prayed for a long time for a break and now I have it.  So, I am not too busy to write.

The truth is that I got mad.  I got hurt.  I got scared.  I let these negative feelings get in the way of my creativity.  It took me a while to identify why I wanted to anything else rather than write… and I do mean anything (shampooing rugs, weeding, watching Honey Boo Boo, etc.).  Finally, though, I pinpointed what it was that gave me the biggest case of writer’s block in history.

The last blog that I posted about was Love, Gaming and Saving.  In general, I got nice comments on the post (which of course anyone would like to hear), but then I got an “off the record” comment from someone (who shall remain nameless) saying how “mortified” he was that I was making excuses for my husband’s bad behavior of gaming.  He felt that I was enabling Emmett’s gaming and not being truthful with myself about how I felt.  This reader, I know, is not the only one that felt that way.  He just happened to be the only one who actually said something.

I could go into all the reasons why I “enable” my husband’s gaming but I don’t think any minds would be changed anyway.  If you want to know why, go back and read Love, Gaming and Saving.  Instead, I am choosing to press on and write about what interests me; my observations, my thoughts and my opinions.  I am going to not let someone’s disapproval keep me from pursuing what makes me happy.  I am going to choose creativity over stagnation.

In retrospect, what I should have done is shut out the negativity.  I could have used my emotions to create instead of stagnate.  But, the truth is, I was afraid that by putting myself “out there” in such a public way, I was inviting negative criticism about my life, my writing “talent”, my choices.

Hearing criticism is always hard and never pleasant.  I can’t think of anyone who relishes hearing disapproval.  People react in different ways to criticism. Some people get mad, make a public scene and drag everyone into their drama.  There are other people who shut down their creativity and let the outside voices rule their inner goddess (to steal a phrase from Fifty Shades of Grey) and then there are others who take disappointment, sadness, depression, disapproval, etc. and create.  Think of all of those famous painters who did not let the naysayers win.  Imagine if they had?  We might never have had Degas, Monet and Renoir to enjoy. When the French Impressionist movement first began in the late 1800’s, they were highly criticized for their style. The artists pursued their individualism and eventually the misunderstood Impressionists were embraced by the world.   

Had they let popular convention dictate their actions and stifle their creativity, we would never have heard the words of magnificent women writers such as Austen, Eliot, and the Brontë sisters.  No Heathcliff?  No Mr. Darcy?  What a duller, less romantic world we would live in.  I am by no means comparing myself to those great artists; merely, I am noting the actions of those who I admire so much and hoping to follow, humbly, in their footsteps… fearlessly.

Love, Gaming and Saving Money

Recently I read an article in the Daily News that cited a Divorce Online report that divorces resulting from online gaming spiked this year from 5% to 15%.  Researchers speculate that the reason for the increase in “unreasonable behavior” (addiction to gaming) is the recession.  Apparently, the unemployed entertain themselves by playing World of Warcraft, Halo, Call of Duty and a variety of other online games.   These unemployed gamers begin to ignore their spouses (now called “gamer widows”) and things disintegrate from there.  It’s easy to imagine how the increased gaming could cause a decrease in successful relationships.  For many years golfing has had the same effect (golf widows).  However, for all of the negative press that online gaming is getting, I would like to share a different perspective; the story of how online gaming helped my relationship with my husband and saved us money.  What you say?  Impossible!  No, it’s true.  Really.

Let me say right up front, that there are loads of reasons to not like online gaming… the con list is a long one with the main culprit being addiction.  The addition can spiral into:  Lying about how much time the gamer actually plays, upping gaming time, withdrawal from friendships, work/social disruptions, spending huge amounts of money on online gaming services, obsessing about increasing gaming stats, and, of course the physical side effects (lack of general hygiene, carpal syndrome, migraines, sleep disorders, back and neck disorders).  There are probably a 100 other reasons to dislike gaming but we’ll ignore these for now.

Emmett has always enjoyed video games.  He was a huge fan of Atari way back when and as technology improved and online gaming was invented, his fascination only increased.  When I met Emmett in 2005, I knew he had some interest in gaming but his lifestyle was so busy that he rarely, if ever, played in my presence.  We got engaged in 2006 and shortly afterward he bought an X-Box and started playing Call of Duty (a.k.a. COD).  At first, I hated his gaming.  I felt ignored by him -- anything I would tell him while he was gaming was forgotten immediately.  He would sometimes eat dinner and play at the same time (which enraged me).  He would sometimes spend up to twelve hours playing online, which would get in the way of shared activities.  It was nearly a deal breaker for me.  How could I marry someone who I felt was addicted to something which excluded me?  I know, I’m not making a good case for gaming… but wait… its coming.

Emmett was working at the Harbor Watch Inn as the General Manager.   It was a great job with loads of socializing.  The Inn was as about as busy as you can imagine.  After work, he would go out with different employees and friends to wind down and relax.  This meant that at least three nights a week he was going to local bars such as Slap Happys, Port of Call and Shooters.  He would stumble home around 3:00 a.m. (after he had gone to Leo’s for an afterhours breakfast).  I would be at home pacing and pissed.  I was losing sleep worrying.  On his days off, he was gaming.  What time was there for me?  No, really, the good reasons are coming…

Despite my concerns about the above mentioned issues, I married Emmett.  About four months into our marriage, he switched jobs and began to work at Longhorn Steakhouse in Boston.  His commute increased from 15 minutes to an hour and a half each way and his new bosses were no-nonsense… he was not permitted to socialize with guests or other employees.  At the same time, I started to come to my senses and get real about my thresholds.  I talked to Emmett about the fact that we were spending far too much money on his social life and that I wasn’t comfortable with him going out as often (especially to bars).  He heard what I had to say and agreed.   He stopped going out immediately.   He began to substitute bar hopping with online gaming.

I have to admit that at first he was a little bit obsessed with his online gaming. He had met some good players online at COD and was excited about becoming part of a clan (a group of gamers who form an alliance in order to compete against other clans to up their gaming stats), and “prestiging” (increasing your status online through experience and points earned playing).  He was excited about making new friends who he felt had something in common with him.  I was patient (as I could be) because, after all, he had moved up to Massachusetts from Miami to be with me.  How could I complain if he wanted to make friends online?  Plus, he was no longer frequenting bars.

After a while, Emmett’s playing time decreased; the initial obsession died down some.  He still would play but it wasn’t an everyday activity.  He had stopped going to bars.  Playing online, satisfied his socializing needs.  The benefits to us were great:  He wasn’t spending money; I knew where he was at all times; I didn’t have to wonder when he would come home; I didn’t have to worry that some chick at a hole-in-the wall bar was trying to come on to him; I didn’t have to worry that he would drink too much and then attempt to drive home; he enjoyed what he was doing and didn’t feel that he was giving anything up.  It was a healthier lifestyle for us. It was a win-win situation.

If I do the cost analysis with online gaming versus in bar hopping, it is also clear that the gaming is financially beneficial.  See below:

Bar Hopping

Drink cost per outing = $40 x 3 outings per week = $120

+

Tip of $15 per outing x estimated 3 outings per week = $45

+

One afterhours breakfast at Leo’s per week = $15

Total cost per week = $180

Total cost per month = $780.00

Total cost per year = $9,360

The above does not include gas used driving to establishments or factor in drinks bought for friends.

Online gaming

Purchase of X-Box (lasts about four years) = $400 ($100 per year, $8.33 per month, $1.92 per week)

+

Purchase of annual X-Box Gold membership = $60 ($5.00 per month, $1.15 per week)

+

Purchase of head set (which lasts about three years) = $150 ($50 per year, $4.16 per month, .96 cents per week)

+

Case of beer per week = $20 ($1040 per year, $86.66 per month)

Total cost per week:  ($1.92 + $1.15 +.96 + $20.00) = $24.03

Total cost per month: ($8.33+ $5.00 +$ 4.16 + $86.66) = $104.15

Total cost per year:  ($100.00 + $60.00 + $50 + $1040) = $1,250

The above does not include electricity used to play games or wear and tear on your best recliner.

I estimate that we save approximately $8,110 per year.  That’s quite a lot.  It’s definitely enough to make a girl happy.  Ultimately, when I factor in how much more time my husband is home and how much we save, I cannot complain.

I’ve had a few friends comment on Emmett’s gaming.  Generally, the consensus has been that they personally would not put up with the gaming. It would be a deal breaker for them. I respect their opinions, but I feel differently.  In my mind, if this is the worst offense that my husband commits (his worst habit) then I feel that I’m quite a lucky lady.  Many acquaintances of mine have had partners who have done things I consider far worse (cheating, hitting, gambling, etc.).  In comparison, I feel that gaming is fairly PG.

At Sodahead.com, a site that runs polls on a variety of gaming  issues, I found statistics which showed that 61% of people polled thought that gaming could be positive for a relationship.  Surprisingly, 66% of the 61% who responded positively were women.  Many people had the same reasons I listed above and some others said that they too gamed.  Gaming was a shared interest in their relationship.  I guess they had the “if you can’t beat them join them,” philosophy. 

My philosophy about gaming is that it is Emmett’s hobby and unless it gets in the way of our lives (which it does not) then I’m glad he has something that interests him so much.  Do I understand his fascination with gaming?  No.  However, I learned a long time ago, that I don’t have to.  My grandparents, who were married for 66 years, made it work.

 My grandmother loved to antique and my grandfather loved to watch professional wrestling on Saturday afternoons.  My grandmother would leave my mild mannered grandfather alone in the den on Saturdays to watch his pro wrestling while she did other things.  We all knew not to disturb grandpa in his den.  If we did, he could not be accountable for what we would hear (generally a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush) aimed at the wrestlers on TV.  As a trade-off for his solo Saturdays, my grandfather would take my grandmother antiquing on Sundays.  They respected each other’s hobbies and were happy to compromise.  Online gaming is to Emmett as Saturday pro wrestling was for my grandpa.

When I list the pros and the cons for online gaming, the pro side comes out longer.  It has been a process to get that list longer, but isn’t our relationship worth it?